Note: This post is not explicit and is rated PG-13. It leaves most things to your imagination. Of course, if your imagination makes it rated R or X, don’t blame Something Wagging This Way Comes.
You can’t spend five minutes in dog blogville without reading a complaint about a dog who hogs the bed. But are bloggers worried about losing sleep? Or are dogs interfering with other bedroom activities?
Sex and Positive Reinforcement
My first dogs, Agatha and Christie, had a colorful sexual history with us. And I’m not just talking about their incestuous, girl-on-girl action performances for company.
No, the excitement came when anyone tried to make physical contact.
A hug for a visiting family member spurred a round of barking. A few dance steps made the living room echo with more sounds than a dog pound.
And sex? Well let’s just say that we worried more than once that our neighbors would call the police.
But here’s the crazy thing. After 16 years of a dog who barked every time we had sex, I noticed a strange side effect.
Every time I heard a woof, I got turned on.
Boring Sex
Our next dog, Shadow, was far less excitable.
Yes, she wanted to be on the bed with us. But Shadow was content to snooze at the foot. As long as she had a comfy spot, she waited happily for us to turn her attention to her.
I still don’t know if Shadow was particularly mellow. Or if we were just terribly boring.
What Moves the Dog
Honey is also content to snooze on the bed with us no matter what activities we’re doing—sleeping, reading, or you know.
But she’s not as polite as Shadow was. No bottom of the bed for Honey.
Of course we hate to disturb her. For a while.
Let’s just say my husband has a new sex move. It’s one where he gets up, picks up the dog, and moves her to the bottom of the bed.
And cuddling will never be the same again (why is it that men insist on cuddling? haven’t they ever heard of sleep?). What would I do without a canine toenail, post-sex, kidney massage?
Who Controls Sex
One of the biggest powers humans have over canines is deciding when or if they can reproduce.
Maybe dogs who whine, bark, paw, or sniff during sex are getting their revenge.
Your Turn: Any embarrassing sex stories involving your dog? Are you brave enough to share?
We’re prudes. The dog stays on The Other Side of The Door.
Every time you hear a woof, you get turned on? Oh Pamela. Words fail me.
Hysterical.
Our last 2 dogs would get annoyed with us and get off the bed. Rita is content to just lay there and hang out at the foot of the bed. (Luckily we have a king now!) If she is in between us when “the mood strikes”, I have an easy method for getting her to move – I just start smotherin’ her with hugs and cuddling, and she’s all to happy to move to the foot of the bed. She can only take so much smotherin’!
Oh Pamela. To boldly go where no blog has gone before. LOL
BD (Before Delilah) we had sex like twice with Sampson in the bed, the first time he growled at Hubby and the second time we had to be super stealth in order to not let him know what we were doing. Still when we looked up he was giving us the death stare.
AD (After Delilah) well we won’t even attempt it. Normally we just make sure the dogs are sleeping and then go into another room. At first Delilah would sit outside the door and bark incessantly.
My mother lives in an in-law in our basement. More than once she asked, “What was Delilah barking at last night?” Oy Vey!
Thankfully the years have mellowed Delilah somewhat although there are still times we open the door to both dogs sitting there waiting. Then of course they need to run inside and sniff everything to see what they missed.
It is a good day when we open the door and neither dog is there. 🙂
The interesting thing, is they only react to the hugging/touching between Hubby and I, I can hug the kids or grandkids with no reactions.
Can’t wait to come back and read the comments. 🙂
I have to join in on cuddles, but for anything else I make myself scarce BOL
The dogs are absolutely lured out of the bedroom. I wouldn’t want the Poodles judging our performance. And they would.
Humpingly hilarious blog post with equally hysterical comments!!! Woof. Pavlov would be amused.
Funny funny post…”The subject that dares not be mentioned” But no good stories here…kind of wish I had one
Yes, a bold and courageous topic Pamela – but love it! Maggie is still to fearful to come all the way into the bedroom when my husband is in there, so no problem with her. Jack is too big to be on the bed, so no issue with him either. It was our previous dog Sally who had an issue with a closed door…she would just sit outside of it and bark. If we let her in she was up on the bed in the middle and looked at us with disdain if we tried anything. Put a bit of a crimp in things.
Pamela – I can sooooo relate! Before I had Zora, the only cat I had to worry about was KC. He would hide under the bed, and when we were “preoccupied”, he would slip on top of the bed. Still it was subtle, and you didn’t know he was there until later. Zora barks constantly, and the neighbors all know what’s going on. So much for privacy!
Great post AND comments! Thankfully, our Golden Girls don’t like to stay on the bed with us — they get too hot with all that hair, I guess — whether we’re “you know”, watching a movie, or sawing wood. And Ducky goes into her crate if we can’t supervise her time with her older sisters. My poodle grew up spending her days in a crate. When I got home from work, I immediately took her out of the crate for a walk and — once she was housetrained — gave her free roaming rights until I had to leave the next morning. Yet, she always chose to sleep in the crate. When we moved down here and had no room for a crate, she slept on her bed in a corner of the living room. She was affectionate, but not pesky about it.
How did I manage to make my comment a reply to Vicki Cook’ s comment?! I must have studied too much today. 🙂
This has to be the best dog-blog post ever! Hilarious! We’re behind closed doors….staring canines seems to have a negative effect on the hydraulics shall we say 😉 Both dogs are just inches outside the door, but fortunately they are quiet.
This is hilarious 🙂 I was actually thinking of writing a post like this but I was too ‘chicken’. thanks for your bravery! yes, dogs outside the room is a rule we learnt early. Let’s just say 2 pairs of canine eyes watching you when you do the deed…not so good.
Okay now that I’ve stopped laughing hysterically, I can write a reply.
No I can’t.
Okay I’ll try.
hahahaha Still laughing…
Well, okay, I’ll just add–The dogs stay on the floor.
Some activities just can’t be dog-friendly.
“Every time I heard a woof, I got turned on.”
Oh my dog.
Our male, Flash, who thinks he’s my shadow, will whine if he thinks I’m being hurt. The dogs don’t really sleep on the bed anyway. If we’re being quiet because there are teenagers in the house, the dogs don’t care. If all the kids are gone, the dog gets upset.
Ya learn to live with it. 😉
From the Husband:
1) “Every time I heard a woof. . .”
Hmph. And all this time I thought it was my Limited Edition Groucho Marx Novelty Eyeglasses.
2) Proposed photo caption correction:
“. . .if you want to practice making puppies, I won’t interfere. Much.”
Dear Mike:
http://www.sounddogs.com/results.asp?Type=1&CategoryID=1020&SubcategoryID=1
You’re Welcome!
Dear Kolchak, Felix and Jodi,
Thanks for this. The received wisdom among us men is that there’s nothing like a “wolf whistle” to put women in the mood.
I wonder, though, if this approach would really work with the eyeglasses I might have to abandon them in favor of my red rubber clown nose and my rainbow suspenders. Subtlety is everything.
I agree, Pamela, you outdid yourself. This is hilarious.
Hee hee hee – yes, I’m mature.
Our dogs don’t sleep in our room so we have no worries. I have no idea how they’d react, but my guess is that they’d think we were playing a game and jump on the bed. I cringe just thinking about it.
BOL – I’m ashamed to admit this, but we had a howler early on in our marriage. We tried shutting him out of the room and it still didn’t help. I’m sure the neighbors had it figured out – “Oh those Sterlings… Newlyweds… Yup, the dog howls every time…”
Thank goodness he got past it!
Sam
Oh, the dogs have to be out of the room for me to be in the mood! lol
But, when my husband and I first got married, we lived in an apartment. Cats were allowed, but no dogs. I had two cats at my mom’s house, and throughout our dating history, my husband was determined to win the younger one, Scamp, over. He even cooked tuna patties for her at home and brought them over when he came to visit. Of course, she ADORED him. After we got back from our honeymoon, the cats were relocated to the apartment with us. My husband, being a typical newlywed, always seemed to be in the mood, but I sometimes appreciated being able to get up for work without being tired. So, one evening, the lights went out and the next thing I knew, Scamp leapt off the top of our dresser like Rocky the Flying Squirrel and managed to land right on, ahem, that special area. We were both crying, him in pain and me in hysterical laughter. Ah, memories! Needless to say, there were no amorous activities that evening!
Oh this post was fun to read, along with all of the other comments. I feel like i know everyone a lot better now 🙂
Our Golden Bear likes to play us a tune on his squeaky bone toy when we have our time together. I guess its his version of a love song!
OMG this is funny. We call our cat Monkey ‘sex kitty’ because he always seems to show up during post snuggling . .Cali is bored by it and the rest of them ignore us. There is a funny story about Monkey when he was a kitten . .but I may save that for a later date 🙂
Sherman doesn’t let us do anything inappropriate, he barks like crazy. If we close the door he barks like crazy, pants and drools heavily. We have to sneak it in when he is outside or downstairs sleeping:) It’s like living on the edge now-hurry before Sherman catches on!
Leroy tried to join us one night. I was mortified. He won’t do anything with an intact female sticking her butt in his face but if he sees me having fun it’s game one. Gross.
Bwaaaaa ha ha! Oh, I am laughing so hard! Nothing like some drool as an aphrodisiac!
Lol! I died nine times reading that, Jen!
OMG, I’m dying over here! This post! The comments! You have boldly gone where I don’t know I would have dared. AMAZING.
Once a very long time ago (well not THAT long, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression!) I had a boyfriend that had a pittie. I adored her and I think I may have been more upset to break up with her than I was to say good bye to him. The first time I ever spent the night there, we were “interrupted” When I took a very cold, very forceful snout to a very sensitive area. It ruined the mood – and she ruined pretty much every mood that came after that one. Maybe she was trying to tell me something, eh?
Chester and Gretel get “Sex Bones” in their crate when my husband I want some alone time. So…when one of us gets out the bully sticks the other knows what’s up. Not very romantic though. Ha, ha.
Sex bones even SOUND dirty.
I’ve got to know… did your husband go into therapy when you started giving dried bull penises to you dogs to chew on when you had sex?
It’s the only thing that keeps them truly occupied. He was going to need therapy without them 🙂
Cynder goes in the laundry or outside!!
Maybe I’m satisfying my inner exhibtionist. The dogs go in the crate next to the bed. Dexter is way into sniffing body parts that aren’t normally exposed.
You all are to funny! Two dogs, one cat and just me tonight. They “were” sleeping until I could not stop laughing. I woke them up, I could not help it, you all are so funny!
I cannot have sex with dogs and cats on the bed, it is like having a kid on the bed. The kid probably would stay sleeping. We let them go to bed in their crate or in our king size bed and we go to “the guest room”. I hope none of our friends read this, they will not to stay in the”guest”room.
OMG. Laughed out loud for this one!
In our house, it’s always been “1, 2, 3… GO!” Clambering up the bedroom stairs, Shaus the Newf would thump behind us to the top, trying to beat us to the door before it slammed shut, relegating him to the landing. When the pant, pant, panting didn’t quite fit our rhythm, it was the Newf’s hot breath through the space between the door and the floor, a subtle reminder that he’s out there … impatiently waiting.
Since we’ve opened our loft in a fit of construction, there is “no door, no more.” Now our retreats are stealth, hoping not to wake the sleeping giant downstairs, at least until we reach the bed first. Often times, he follows and launches into the comforter’s fluff, but my husband can often sweet-talk him down. At that point, he’ll curl up next to the foot of the bed and jump back up only for three-way cuddle time.
As for our hound Emmett? He stopped pacing around the bed with an occasional howl some time ago. I guess we no longer frighten him. 🙂
That side effect of yours is hilarious! I have no interesting stories. My dogs ignore us.
Omg, please report back and tell us if this is your all-time most popular post.
My input is this: Desmond is always in the bed. We move or ignore him as much as possible. Sometimes he jumps off; sometimes he just stays there like a weirdo. Either way, there is much sniffing after and he acts like we just came home from work. We have tried to distract him with bones/chews, but he always comes back to be nosy.
Although this post probably got the most comments (sounds like we all have a lot to get off our chests):), it’s nowhere near my most popular.
I think I got less than 500 hits the day it posted. My most popular post got over 1500 the day I published it: https://www.somethingwagging.com/2011/11/26/10-things-your-dog-is-most-thankful-for/. Most of the traffic came from StumbleUpon.
Of course, if you think the sex lives of dog lovers is Stumble worthy (hint, hint), I won’t complain. 🙂
As for Desmond, as a dog trainer, you know the importance of gently exposing dogs to unusual experiences. I prescribe lots and lots of nookie to make sure he feels confident and comfortable.
Haha! I’m so glad you wrote this because seriously, nobody talks about it! This is why we teach the “bedtimes” command in our house. That way the dog knows that when we say “bedtimes”, he’s got to go lay in his bed until we release him. Then it’s cuddle time for everyone! 🙂
Haha! I am glad you brought this subject up. Boogie does not like being on the bed if we are having sex. He gets into his own bed (next to my bed) and LICKS HIMSELF VERY LOUDLY for a very long time, which provides quite a distracting and unromantic soundtrack. And then he falls asleep but I know he is secretly watching and listening. As soon as we are um… done, he instantly hops onto the bed, “I heard you finish. Here, please throw this ball”.
All I can say is the presence of the dog does prevent spontaneity. She doesn’t sleep in the bedroom with us except on rare occasions and I can’t lie, this is totally one of the reasons. Shiva likes to be involved in everything we do and any movement usually has her much too interested. We have learned this the hard way.
These comments are awesome. Considering how it’s something we’ve all dealt with, I am so glad someone was brave enough to bring it up!
Whew… I guess I’m lucky that Bella has no interest in sleeping on the bed. (Sometimes when the husband’s away, I’ll try to get her to hang out on the bed with me. It only lasts about 30 minutes and then she hops down – she gets too hot.) We haven’t encouraged Tavish to sleep on the bed with us either – it’s a tall bed and I think I’d be too worried about him hopping on and off. So, that does help a little – and both of my pups also seem pretty uninterested in what’s going on, so that helps!