[Warning: This blog post is acceptable reading for mature audiences. Young children and those who don’t think people have sex are cautioned not to read it. Now, if you’re ready, click the soundtrack and read on.]
Earlier this week, I asked the innocent question: “Where is the dog when you have sex?”
The comments are still coming in.
I must share this collective wisdom in the name of great sex everywhere.
Best Sex Moves for People Who Live with Dogs (and Cats)
Here’s what I learned from my uninhibited commenters.
Play soft background music to set the mood. If you get aroused by squeaky toys, you’ll do fine as some dogs are happy to provide their musical stylings.
Don’t waste time on foreplay. The important thing is to finish”the act” before the dog notices what’s going on.
Keep bully sticks in your night table drawer. Not only will your dog be entertained by the snack I call doggie crack, but it’s a safe way to explore your partner’s interest in S&M. After all, if he can’t perform while your dogs are loudly chewing on dried bull penises, he’s probably not ready for the serious stuff.
Rediscover old-fashioned products that help the human body smell like flowers and waterfalls. Believe me, your hound will find these artificial scents much less interesting. Which means more privacy for you.
Incorporate games into your lovemaking, like hide and seek. First you settle the dogs on your bed. Then you shut them in the bedroom while you seek out another room to hide your activities from nosy dogs. Hey, don’t laugh. For some people, this is the most action their dining room and guest room see all year.
Start your romantic activities with a quick run—into the bedroom before the dog can get in the door with you. This suggestion was made by someone living with a Newfoundland. No one with a Border Collie, Jack Russell Terrier, or a Greyhound has any chance of this strategy working.
Be open to alternative forms of sexual expression. In order words, don’t get too creeped out when your dog spends every second you’re making love licking his own… well, you know.
Beware of flying kitties. Even the most passionate man is unlikely to recover quickly from a cat using his testicles as a landing pad after jumping from a great height.
And finally, some advice for our friends who are not currently in a long term relationship with a romantic partner:
Consider dating only animal lovers with fish. And then, spend a lot of time at his apartment.
Thank you, readers for sharing your great advice. I’m happy to know Dr. Ruth has nothing on a few dozen amorous dog lovers.
Your Turn: What advice did I miss? If I’m ever asked to write a sex column for a dog magazine, I’ll need lots of material. And, if you’d like to see me write a sex column for a dog magazine, please share this post with all your friends.