The Dog Lover’s Guide to Great Sex

Honey the Golden Retriever shows her belly.

This is my sexiest pose.

[Warning: This blog post is acceptable reading for mature audiences. Young children and those who don’t think people have sex are cautioned not to read it. Now, if you’re ready, click the soundtrack and read on.]

Earlier this week, I asked the innocent question: “Where is the dog when you have sex?”

The comments are still coming in.

I must share this collective wisdom in the name of great sex everywhere.

Best Sex Moves for People Who Live with Dogs (and Cats)

Here’s what I learned from my uninhibited commenters.

Play soft background music to set the mood. If you get aroused by squeaky toys, you’ll do fine as some dogs are happy to provide their musical stylings.

Don’t waste time on foreplay. The important thing is to finish”the act” before the dog notices what’s going on.

Keep bully sticks in your night table drawer. Not only will your dog be entertained by the snack I call doggie crack, but it’s a safe way to explore your partner’s interest in S&M. After all, if he can’t perform while your dogs are loudly chewing on dried bull penises, he’s probably not ready for the serious stuff.

Rediscover old-fashioned products that help the human body smell like flowers and waterfalls. Believe me, your hound will find these artificial scents much less interesting. Which means more privacy for you.

Incorporate games into your lovemaking, like hide and seek. First you settle the dogs on your bed. Then you shut them in the bedroom while you seek out another room to hide your activities from nosy dogs. Hey, don’t laugh. For some people, this is the most action their dining room and guest room see all year.

Start your romantic activities with a quick run—into the bedroom before the dog can get in the door with you. This suggestion was made by someone living with a Newfoundland. No one with a Border Collie, Jack Russell Terrier, or a Greyhound has any chance of this strategy working.

Be open to alternative forms of sexual expression. In order words, don’t get too creeped out when your dog spends every second you’re making love licking his own… well, you know.

Beware of flying kitties. Even the most passionate man is unlikely to recover quickly from a cat using his testicles as a landing pad after jumping from a great height.

And finally, some advice for our friends who are not currently in a long term relationship with a romantic partner:

Consider dating only animal lovers with fish. And then, spend a lot of time at his apartment.

Thank you, readers for sharing your great advice. I’m happy to know Dr. Ruth has nothing on a few dozen amorous dog lovers.

Your Turn: What advice did I miss? If I’m ever asked to write a sex column for a dog magazine, I’ll need lots of material. And, if you’d like to see me write a sex column for a dog magazine, please share this post with all your friends. :)

 

 

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Comments

  1. One other thing to try – find a girlfriend/boyfriend for your dog so they can “occupy themselves” while you are getting busy.

  2. This is hilarious. I think the dog magazines should be clamouring at your door for an article.

  3. So how do you keep the dogs from just rolling their eyes at you as if to say, not again!!
    Thanks for the great morning laugh too, I think some kind of magazine should be wanting the article.

  4. Ha ha ha ha ha! I admit that I’ve gone back to read the comments on that posts several times! I wonder if this would help keep some dogs occupied while their owners are trying to do the deed. http://boingboing.net/2009/07/30/adult-toy-for-dogs.html

  5. LOL! That bully stick one was too much! 😀

  6. 1.Hire a dog walker for an hour.
    2. Kennel for them, ah… Dog spa perhaps: worth every penny
    3. Kennel for them, hotel for you: more expensive but what the heck.
    4. Over-feed the dogs & go for it while they are in a stuper!

  7. You made my morning, Pamela!!

  8. ROFL!

  9. My sides hurt, there’s tears in my eyes and I’m still ROFLOL

  10. Lol this is GOLD! some amazing tips to put into action 😉

  11. Hahahahahahaha! Oh man, I can’t even come up with a response I am laughing so hard. I never thought I’d see the day sex was a topic on a pet blog but I was so very wrong. Only you could pull this off.

  12. You are to much! All of you. So funny! I would share with him,but I know he would not get it. The dogs are on the bed with me,looking like what is the problem? I cannot help it, you all make me laugh out loud.

  13. BOL I think my daddy needs to read this post!

  14. Hah, I’ve been so bad at keeping up with everybody. I didn’t know that you posed that question! 😀

    My answer is boring. She’s downstairs, with the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, and our bedroom door (upstairs) is closed.

  15. OMD, that was hilarious (even though I’m far too young to understand such things)!!! Perfect points! I’m loving the comments too…

  16. I am laughing so hard I am crying.

    From my own experience, might I suggest having short dogs and a very tall bed? It’s easier to pretend they aren’t there if they’re taking a nap. Though again, that only works if they don’t want to go out, to eat, to play, or something else…

    • Good suggestion but it hasn’t worked for us. All our beds are high off the ground. But we keep getting little dogs that know how to fly. :)

      We’re currently watching a chihuahua mix (12 years old!) who has no problem jumping on and off the bed.

  17. Ha ha ha, I’m still giggling about the flying kittens (because we had the same experience!). Oh my, these are some of the funniest posts/comments I have ever read – thank you Pamela!!

  18. You have us in hysterics!! You made Human Rescues Dog’s Friday Five! Check it out: http://humanrescuesdog.com/the-friday-five-blog-posts-that-i-loved-this-week/#comment-302

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