If Dogs Spoke English…

Golden retriever playing in the sand

You keep saying, “How can anyone so cute be so darn irritating?” I don’t know what you mean. No, literally. I don’t speak English, remember?

If I could make my dog Honey understand just one phrase in English, what would it be?

“Don’t worry. The vet isn’t going to hurt you one bit.”

“If you relax in the bike cart, I’ll take you to the dog park.”

“Why don’t you dig over here where I need to transplant that sapling?”

“Pay no attention to the squirrels. They just want to trick you into running into the street.”

“You are the sweetest girl in the world and I will love you forever.”

No, if I could make Honey understand just one English phrase, I think it would be:


What English words do you most wish your dog would learn?

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  1. That would be a hard one to decide for us…


  2. Hmmmm…

    For Ricochet- “I don’t come home with a new toy for you every time I go to the store so you really don’t have to check out each bag.”

    For Havoc- “If you actually chewed on your chewie instead of growling at the other dogs because you think they want it, you would be done by the time they are done and have nothing to worry about.”

    For Malarky- ” I really am capable of going to the bathroom without having company in there.”

    For Mellie- ” You have been here for 5 years and received a dinner every night. I won’t forget I promise.”

  3. There is no back door in the bathroom.

  4. Oh lord Pamela that’s a tough one.

    For Delilah it would probably be, “If you would only come when I call you, you would have a lot more fun.”

    For Sampson it would probably be, “Thank you for everything you taught me, it makes me a better person, no dog will ever have my heart the way you do.”

  5. Um….is it bad that my dogs recognize “For Christ Sakes” as a universal command to stop whatever they are doing and go lay on their mat?

    I would love to be able to tell Kol & Fe that when I leave the house I’m coming back. I’m *always coming back*. They seem surprised every fricking time.

  6. the “stop barking” is tops on my list too. I have a Sheltie and anyone who is familiar with that breed, knows that their specialty is BARKING.

    And…my Sheltie CAN understand English (and believe it or not he DOES spell! He can spell “dinner” and “bone”)…he understands, that is why he is selective when choosing which command to obey.

    Happy Saturday!

    • Yup. That would be mine. Two Shelties. Double the barking.
      Of course, I would want to tell them I love them too.

  7. Hi Y’all!

    Just hoppin’ by to say “hi”. What is this? Y’all are the second blog talkin’ about vets this weekend.

    Y’all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

  8. Catherine says:

    Hmm tough one! It’d have to be either “I love you” or “Honestly I swear whever I go away I will always come back” – Nanook really doesn’t seem to understand the latter! 5 minutes apart for whatever reason is ended with jubilant celebration on his part for being reunited with me.

    • Catherine says:

      Not to say im not happy to be back with him that is! But he’s ecstatic. Sometimes all i did was leave the room and come back in yno?

  9. ‘Leave George alone’. I’m not convinced that she doesn’t already understand this one, she just chooses to ignore it. :)

  10. “For the love of God, will you just stop barking?” is at the top of my list too. Along with, “Will you please stop chewing on things you shouldn’t?”

  11. “Kuster, for the love of all that is holy and profane — stop that barking!”

    “Morgan, people are allowed to walk past our house. No, I will not take you outside to chase rabbits!”

    “Blueberry, stop WHINING! No, being out in nature will not kill you!”

    “Bunny, you’ll always be my girl, even if I spend a little time with one of the other dogs.”

  12. Please let the vet touch you. It will make you feel better.


  13. “You are the best dog that we could ever ask for”.

  14. Do not bang on the mattress to wake us up at 2am because you want to climb into bed.

  15. Too many to mention. Have a great Monday Pamela.
    Best wishes Molly

  16. “Why don’t you dig over here where I need to transplant that sapling?”

    This one here is what I’d like to teach Toby. Channel his energy for good. If we could teach him that, maybe we could hire him out, and let him work off some of those vet bills…!

  17. “It’s ok, I’ve got it.” I think my dog takes on a bit too much responsibility for the world around him, and that he would relax more if he understood that I was aware of the things he’s concerned about. Loose dogs, ringing doorbells, kids playing on bikes – it’s cool, dude, I’ve got it. Life would be far more peaceful!

  18. “If you come back when I call you, you will get lots of treats AND you will get to keep playing. Isn’t that better than bird seed/mud/grass/unknown things in someone else’s bag? If you don’t come back, the fun will have to end and we will both be very sad.”

    Or maybe: “I will always come back, I promise.”

    Though your last one might work as well. 😉

  19. “You may want to rethink your approach.”

  20. If you can hear the word “treat” and come running, why can’t you hear the word “come” and come running?

    Also – I really can take a shower with out you sitting on the bathmat.

  21. Haha I had that exact thought this morning. “I wish my dogs REALLY understood english” Then I’d let them know the things they do that annoy me. That I’m not going to kill them if I pick them up. Also I JUST WALKED OUTSIDE. QUIT SCREAMING!

  22. What a cute post! I would not hesitate to get Desmond to understand the following: if you are calm when you see a doggie, we can get closer to the doggie.