Dogs Are Better Than Kids

Honey the golden retriever puppy pees on the floor.

I can walk away from my accidents and I don’t even smell bad.

I have lots of friends who refer to their dogs as their children.

Not me. I know better. Dogs and kids aren’t the same. Because dogs are better.

Here’s why:

15 Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Kids

Dog training classes cost anywhere from $75 to $200. College tuition? $40,000 a  year. You do the math.

If your dog decides to go out drinking, it’s probably from a mud puddle and not a keg.

Your dog will make you insane when he’s a puppy. Perhaps as long as two years. Your kid won’t grow up until she’s 26. And even then she’ll move back in with her own kids.

No arguments about proper clothing. Your dog will happily go out naked. And no one will be shocked.

At least your dog has the courtesy to spit up on your rug instead of your best silk blouse.

Need to get out for the evening? Fill a Kong with peanut butter and put your dog in her crate. She’ll be fine for a few hours. And no one will call protective services.

Honey the golden retriever is Little Miss Perfect.

Have a great time. I’ll be right here when you come back. Oh, and don’t forget to bring me a doggie bag.

If you want company while running errands, your dog will happily jump into the car, tail wagging. Just try asking a teenager to give up his Saturday to pick up wood pellets for the stove with you.

Your dog will never beg to watch a Barney DVD five times in a row.

If your dog flunks potty training, clean up is much easier. No clothing to wash.

No. Knock. Knock. Jokes. Ever.

Dogs don’t complain when you feed them the same food every day.

Your dog is always happy to see you at the end of the day. Your teenager? Not so much.

Helping your dog with his homework involves treats, jumping, and playing. Helping your kid with his homework involves long division.

Golden Retriever and Wobble Board

When I’m feeling good, I bring a little mischief to my training. Like my fancy between the legs move?

Not having opposable thumbs means your dog will never go through a phase of smearing his feces on the walls.

Dogs sleep most of the day. So you might actually get to do something beside parenting.

Note to Parents

If you are raising young children right now and didn’t find this funny—wait a few years. Once your kids grow up and you’re able to get more sleep, you’ll get your sense of humor back.

And besides, as you age and slow down, have your kids helping you out, and your grandkids keeping you young, you’ll get the last laugh.

Your Turn: Are dogs better than kids? Why do you think so? Any parents want to counter argue?

Don’t forget to enter the Kurgo Hammock giveaway. You only have a few days.

 

 

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Comments

  1. I am so with you Pamela on every. single. point.

  2. I’m child-free by choice so you know this resonates with me 😉

    But I respectfully disagree with this one: “your dog will never go through a phase of smearing his feces on the walls.” As a pup, Jimmy was crated while both of us were out. Luckily for me, John returned home first…..to find Jimmy had had projectile diarrhea, not only did he coat the inside of the crate and himself, but he sprayed it all over the wall next to the crate! John was NOT amused.

    • Yes! I always say we’re ‘child-free’ rather than ‘childless’.

    • Taryn, I will always have you to thank for one of the most disturbing images I’ve ever encountered. :)

      I guess this was a “it’s a good thing he’s so cute” moment.

  3. I could not agree more!!! Love my kids but this list is so accurate. I worry myself sick over the 22 year old’s drinking, he’s still driving me insane, I sure hope he doesn’t come home with little ones like him (I may have to move out if he does!), I can’t get the teen to do crap, I watched Barney so many times 20 years ago that I can STILL hear the darn song, “What’s for dinner?” is my absolute least favorite question these days (I wish I could just feed us Blue Buffalo like the dogs get… :). Gosh I think I needed to vent. Lol. Of course, the 4-leggers have their issues too. I didn’t get up to let Lightning out at 4 AM when he started making noise, and when I woke up 2 hours later, he had pooped in my closet. I must say my kids never did that. :) Thank you for another post that brightened my day. I enjoy visiting your blog.

    • Yep, sounds like someone is just a little tired and frustrated. Glad we could give you a laugh.

      BTW, would you prefer your kids poop in your closet and your dogs go out drinking? :)

  4. I’m still laughing at the last section “Note to Parents”. A sense of humour does disappear with lack of sleep.

  5. Oh I totally agree with this. My kids always say, “you love the dogs more than you love us.” Of course I deny it but sometimes I really feel that it’s true. LOL

    • Almost everything you said is true, except for the smearing of feces on the wall, as Taryn pointed out in her reply. And I’ll take it a bit further to say that “dogs are better than a spouse and children”, at least sometimes. None of my dogs have ever “pitched” a hissy fit when I’ve asked said spouse to turn down the volume on the TV (or car radio) or did so myself. (In fact, they’ve probably thanked me for it since “Daddy” is “deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other” but denies that he needs a hearing aid.) I guess I needed to vent, too!

  6. Jeez, why did I have kids again? 😀

    • I’ll remind you you said this when your first one gets married, the first grandchild comes along, and when you get to attend a Seder you didn’t have to prepare. :)

  7. Love this – totally agree! However, some of these list items are oddly specific – feces on the walls? Wood pellets? Are there some dark stories you don’t want to tell?

    A group of friends and I got together once and made a big long list about why having kids sucks (http://backalleysoapbox.wordpress.com/2010/09/17/the-con-list/ – not to be read without a sense of humour!). None of us had kids at the time. Now, only one of us does (not me), but I have it on good authority that looking back, the list is less funny and more horrendously true. Again, Husband and I don’t have kids, so this is all heresay.

    • I love your “con” list. But I wish I had read it years ago. I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to have stretch marks if I hadn’t given birth. :)

  8. I love this. Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  9. My Mom used to say that if she had it all to do over again, she would have dogs instead of kids. We knew she was teasing, despite the fact that my brother and I gave her plenty of reasons for feeling that way. But after my brother and his first wife separated (and eventually divorced); I swore I WOULD have dogs instead of kids and that I wouldn’t get married until I was at least 40. My one — and only! — wedding was on the Thanksgiving weekend just after my 40th birthday. Well, I got a stepson along with the hubby, but no human kids of my own. (And Sam got a canine stepdaughter.)

    • Sounds like you and Sam got the best of both worlds. The love of a child and the love of a dog–without stretch marks and midnight feedings (at least for you). :)

  10. We say all the time that dogs are better. We can leave them home alone and not get arrested.

  11. Ahahahahaha!!! I too am “child-free” as you and Taryn put it. But as I have 4 nieces (that I do love dearly) – I have to agree with this! Plus – here’s one more that is at least true in my case with Blueberry. Blueberry never bugs me when I am in the bathroom. When I visit my nieces – I can’t even hide in the bathroom to escape for a few minutes without one or more of them knocking on my door to ask me what I am doing in there!

    • Honey doesn’t bug me in the bathroom ever. But all 3 dogs that came before her did. As does every single foster dog I’ve had since.

      I think you just got lucky.

      Enjoy being the cool aunt. It’s a great job!

  12. Mom calls us her girls and her babies, rarely kids. She always wanted 3-4 human kids, but that never happened and the longer she is on this planet, the happier she is about it. Dogs are much easier to deal with. This is a great post! The only benefit to human kids would be that they would take care of her when she gets old, but she will settle for the company of a dog happily.

    • It can be hard when we don’t end up with the life we wanted or expected for ourselves. But it’s always wonderful when we see the benefits of the life we ended up with.

      I’m sure the pups don’t mind being the center of your attention.

      And yes, I’ve also thought about where I’ll be when I’m old and alone. I guess, in addition to a wonderful dog, we need to keep strong wonderful friendships with humans as well.

  13. Vlad & Barkly's Dee says:

    Dogs are better than kids b/c no matter how loudly they bark at something they see out a door or window, they don’t make me want to rip their lips off for some smart-mouthed remark–throughout the whole of their teen years.

    • Of course we might find our dogs more irritating if we could translate their barks into English.

      Honey barking for breakfast 45 minutes early is a little annoying. But if I found out those barks translated to a smart alecky remark, it might be just like having a teenager. :)

  14. Great list! (Funny, I am working on a novel right now about a dog-mom and she often thinks of ways dogs/babies are different/the same.) The hubs and I refer to Rita as “the baby” sometimes, but she’s way better than a human baby. Another way dogs are better is that you can spay/neuter your dog. Not so much your hormone-raging teen boy. (Well, you *could* but it would probably mean another call to Child Protective Services…) 😉

    And, yes, the real parents will likely have the last laugh some day when they actually have someone to take care of them – but you never know… The hubs and I plan to lure the nephews away from their parents with the promise of an actual inheritance – which their parents may not be able to promise since they spent all their money on the boys’ education. :)

    • Bwa ha ha! Yet another benefit of being the cool aunt. Having an inheritance to lure some caretakers to your aid.

  15. Couldn’t have said it better! :)

  16. I don’t have children so I can’t argue. But sometimes when I call up my sisters I am so glad I just have dogs instead. My 30 minute conversation with one of my sisters is actually just a 5 minute conversation and the rest of it is her telling the kids to be quiet or get out of something or to quit picking on each other. With my dogs, I don’t have to worry about them hanging out with the wrong crowd or talking back or with monitoring their Facebook pages to make sure they’re not inadvertently putting out the wrong information for pedophiles.

  17. Child free and never regretted it says:

    I learned to take the in-my-face criticism of the child-burdened with a grain of salt figuring it was envy – but my choice was not for personal freedom it was because I looked around me when I turned twenty and saw how the world was going and made the decision then and there to not bring another life into a world going horribly, horribly wrong. I never regretted that and moreover have devoted my life to animals including anti-slaughter activism (horses) and dog and horse rescue/rehoming. I finally in self defense developed a comically-delivered pat answer for parenthood: “The rule of 36: a woman endures 36 weeks of being sick, fat, and ugly, then goes through 36 hours of mindless agony in labor, to deliver herself of a 36 year prison sentence.” The implication after each 36 is, of course, “or more….” For me, it was always right to choose animals over babies!

    • I’m glad you made a choice that works for you. And that you express your values in advocacy for animals who can’t advocate for themselves.

      For people who do choose to (or accidentally) become parents, they have a wonderful opportunity and responsibility to teach their kids to protect the world and all its inhabitants.

  18. “Not having opposable thumbs means your dog will never go through a phase of smearing his feces on the walls.” What sort of children do you hang around with??? hee hee!!

    • Well, when they start playing with feces, I stop hanging around with them. :)

      But apparently this is a common phase in child development. If you decide to have kids some day, let me know if it’s true.