14 Alternative Uses for a Dog

Honey the Golden Retriever waits outside the store.

Now where did I leave that pesky leash? I thought it was around here somewhere.

Sixty percent of Americans have no dog in their homes.

Let that sink in.

No. Dog. Not even a little one.

What gives? Don’t they know how useful a dog is?

Alternative Uses for a Dog

Now if I only used my dog as a dog, I might reconsider having one myself. After all, they’re expensive, leave hair everywhere, and steal the sheets (hmmm, that also describes my husband).

But my dog is like a multi-tool with thousands of uses.

Here are just a few:

Vacuum – edibles disappear from my floor silently and in seconds. And I don’t need to change a bag.

Morning alarm – I never over sleep as long as I have Honey to tell me she wants out of her crate it’s time to get up.

Dishwasher pre-rinse – No dishes go into the dishwasher without a thorough tongue scrubbing.

Fitness coach – Up and at ’em. Time for your walk. And your dog isn’t only the coach, but the equipment.

Free weights – Lift a 40 pound dog into a car a few times and you’ll see some amazing muscle definition. I’ve heard Michelle Obama is fit enough to use Bo for her workouts.

Cat toy – Kitty getting a little fat? Now you know the real reason the dog teases the cat. Gotta get her moving too.

Floor duster – After a few minutes dreaming on your hardwood floors, you dog will leave behind not a speck of dust. Lots of dog hair. But no dust.

Security guard – No need to worry about being invaded by boxes of Christmas cookies or Amazon boxes with your in-house safety officer.

Dog-sposal unit – Who needs a compost pile when your pup is willing and waiting to rid your sink of carrot ends and bits of chicken fat?

Honey the Golden Retriever sits at the store.

There’s the leash I’ve been looking for. Good thing I remembered to attach it to this striking placeholder.

Father confessor – And your dog really won’t share your confidences with anyone else.

Gaming system – With a ball-shaped controller, your retriever will give hours of entertainment.

Privacy screen maker – No one can peer into windows covered with dog slobber and nose prints.

Placeholder – How would you ever find the leash you left outside the store if it wasn’t attached to a dog?

Best friend – Because why would you just want a dog when you could have the best friend ever?

What other uses have you found for your dog?

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Comments

  1. I make an excellent foot warmer in the winter.

    • Good one, Clowie. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that.

      Of course, you’re big enough to be a whole body warmer. :)

      • they have all the love you need and much more,
        never talk back to ya,
        always ready to leave when you are
        never tell anyone what you talk about
        always ready to help ya eat your food
        even take naps with ya

  2. Oh this was great!!

    We particularly loved:
    Vacuum – edibles disappear from my floor silently and in seconds. And I don’t need to change a bag.
    Cat toy – Kitty getting a little fat? Now you know the real reason the dog teases the cat. Gotta get her moving too.

    Floor duster – After a few minutes dreaming on your hardwood floors, you dog will leave behind not a speck of dust. Lots of dog hair. But no dust.

    Security guard – No need to worry about being invaded by boxes of Christmas cookies or Amazon boxes with your in-house safety officer.

    Best friend – Because why would you just want a dog when you could have the best friend ever?

    Can’t think of more ….oh wait! When it’s cold you have a heating system with fur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Wish I’d thought of this to post! Great list. Rita is many of those. My hubby also uses her as a bed/sofa warmer, since she always moves in to his spot as soon as he gets up – just to keep it warm for him of course!

  4. Dogs are better than TV for mindless entertainment. I can give SlimDoggy Jack one of his ‘creative’ toys with the food hidden inside and he can work that thing for an hour. Fun to watch his brain working overtime to figure out how to get every last morsel out of it. He tries to use brute force first, but then realizes he needs some finesse.

  5. Great list!

  6. We loved this post. LOL! Have a terrific Thursday.
    Best wishes Molly

  7. Oh Pamela!! I love this one. You forgot entertainment. I love watching my dogs play together.

    And heater, Sampson’s job in the winter is to get a close to me as possible to keep me warm while I’m sleeping. :-)

  8. I love the Privacy Screen Maker! Hilariously true!!! My dogs are great anti-depressants. Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I just cuddle or play with my dogs and the world feels right again. :)

  9. Dogs are so multi functional. Kinda like a swiss army knife, with paws.

  10. Definitely entertainment. I haven’t had a day when they haven’t given me a lot to smile and laugh about. I can’t say the same thing about the TV set.

  11. Totally agree. Also, six wiener dogs equal a blanket when you’re lying on the couch.

  12. Ellie Haith says:

    Love this one! I would combine Fitness Coach with something like ‘Mood Improver’. Charley and Annie will, indeed, NOT let me skip the morning miles, but being out on the roads with them is often the high point of my day, and if we start out with a grumpy Momma it’s a given that within a mile I will be smiling and chattering and often even singing. I have even made up songs on The Walk which replace the original lyrics with dog subjects. Thanks for this daily dose of In Praise of Dogs.

  13. Are you FER REALS?! Sixty percent of homes? What is WRONG with these people? Everyone needs a dog. You’re so right about the hair and expense, though …

    My dogs’ most valuable trait has always been the vacuum ability. Especially when the kids were in high chairs. Add to that kid washer. Nobody licks a toddler clean faster than a dog.

  14. Woof! Woof! Golden LAUGHS at the floor duster … we will soon share something about this. My mom gets cold feet so I am always her foot warmer. Golden Thanks for sharing. Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar

  15. That 60% doesn’t know what they’re missing…Of course I have to add antidepressant to the list…there’s no way you can be sad when you’ve got a furry four-legged clown licking your face and doing silly rolls and jumps guaranteed to make you laugh

  16. Bogie also serves as my personal trainer–making sure that I don’t sit at the computer too long, but take breaks every hour or so. He even goes so far as to pretend to need to go outdoors, when he knows that I need some Vitamin D.

  17. Houndstooth says:

    Bunny is my personal trainer, making sure I get out for a walk almost every evening!

    You have such a great list!

  18. Golden Retrievers good coffee table dusters

  19. Heat sac! But I see someone has already mentioned that. Entertainer. And whatever you call someone who keeps you on your toes and makes you feel guilty about doing/not doing something…catholic? 😉

  20. They are very good at mopping up tears and also keeping your feet warm at night!

  21. Loved it! I use Nola for:
    my own personal comedian
    model
    product tester
    conversation starter
    copilot
    heating pad
    bed warmer
    helper (she’s learning to pick things up and to shut doors)

  22. Oh, good call. Felix is particularly useful as a dust mop , while Kol excels at helping was floors (He’s quite the sloppy drinker), Lu is more like a life coach, reminding us to pick up our things and get organized.

  23. Hah, what a great list!

    It’s funny, if I’m eating somewhere other than at home, and happen to drop a piece/be done/whatever, I always catch myself looking for Elka!

  24. One thing I’m good at sitting on Mom’s lap and keeping her warm like a blanket
    Licks and Woofs, BJ

  25. You forgot free entertainment in the form of comedy – not a day goes by that Cali doesn’t make me laugh :) Great list!!

  26. Great list. Of course I love fitness trainer and best friend.
    I’d add to the list UPS delivery alert system.
    :)

  27. So that’s what’s wrong with the the other 60%!! BOL!

    I love the vacuum cleaner. I’ve even had them mop up spills in the fridge before. :)
    mood changer, firewood haulers, transportation, and keeping the cats on their toes!!

    Great List Pamela. Very creative.

  28. I am surprised only 60% of homes have a dog. That’s OK if they have cats. Your list is hysterical and not having a dog, I would never know about these things. I love the Security Guard!

  29. A fantastic list, Pamela. Too bad we can’t get the email addresses of the deprived 60% and let them know what they’re missing!

  30. What a fun post!

    I would add a pillow and a foot and hand warmer too!

  31. So true! Brilliant!

  32. Excellent! Privacy screen maker is by far my favorite. :-)

  33. Great post! Happy Earth Day!