What To Do When You Get Bears In Your Bed

Why do I need to know what to do if I meet a bear?

I live downtown in a small city (without bears). I’ll be moving aboard a boat next year (and don’t plan on sailing to Alaska any time soon). And I’ve never glimpsed a bear outside of a zoo.

But then I dug a little deeper…

Golden Retriver playing with her ring toy

Of course I’m a wild animal. Don’t you see these teeth?

Meet Honey The Bear

Apparently I’ve been sleeping with a bear for quite some time. A bear who hogs the blankets. A bear who licks my pillow. A bear covered in long, golden fur with a wagging, floofie tail.

Yes, Honey is not a golden retriever. She’s a bear.

Honey the golden retriever chews a stick in the snow.

Shhh, never disturb a bear while she’s eating.

Just check out this quote from the Get Bear Smart website:

Bears [Dogs] do have a strong sense of personal space – a distance that varies from bear [dog] to bear [dog] from which they won’t back down. 

And from the same source:

If you end up inside that defensive perimeter… you are likely to experience a combination of highly intimidating behaviors….

Honey’s highly intimidating behaviors include: 

  • a rear toenail up the nostril
  • occasional flatulence from a posture most likely to disperse the odor in a wide direction, and
  • a showering of dog hair that can result in death if one breathes in too deeply while sleeping.
Honey the golden retriever sleeps in.

Look at how I’m defending my territory.

Fortunately, with Honey on the bed, no one gets much sleep. Except Honey.

What To Do With The Bear In Your Bed

The most common advice for dealing with bears is to avoid them. And if you can’t do that stand still, talk in a calm voice, and back away slowly.

I can’t avoid Honey in bed since my husband loves having her there. I could try backing all the way into the guest bedroom. But I suspect Honey would just follow me.

We’ve had to take more extreme measures: planned relocation.

First, we tranquilize the dog with a peanut butter cookie. We follow-up with some crumbled cookies to lure Honey the bear into her crate. Once she’s inside, we shut the door and immediately go to bed.

That solves the problem for a short time.

Honey the Golden Retriever rests in her dog crate.

It took a crack team of wildlife experts to lure me into this crate with tranquilizing cookies.

Until the foolish human (my husband Mike) tries once again to habituate Honey the bear to human settlements, namely the bed.

Hey, come to think of it, that’s another solution to bears in my bed. I could lure the husband into the crate with a cookie and let Honey sleep on the bed.

At least she doesn’t snore.

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Your Turn: Do you have bears in your bed? What’s your wildlife management plan?

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Comments

  1. I couldn’t imagine not having a bear on the bed – lol, although, I think my husband would prefer the cookie method!

    Monty and Harlow

  2. It’s the husbands fault. Doesn’t he know bears should be in their natural habitat, the den?

  3. To sooth my savage beast, I offer up an all natural dehydrated piece of chicken followed by a favorite toy. This allows me a few fearless hours to work on my blog posts LOL

    • Honey lies under my desk when I’m writing. It’s the husband who likes to distract me.

      Come to think of it, maybe I’ll offer him some dehydrated chicken and a toy. :)

  4. Hahaha! The cats keep the bears out of our bed! :-)

    • So kitties are bear repellant? :)

      • Oh yes! At least they are in our house! Merlot owns the joint, and he likes to strut around. He’ll swat at the dogs if they invade his personal space so the dogs quickly learned to give him a wide berth.
        Belle our other kitty she holds her ground but lets the dogs get pretty close sometimes. But since the dogs get to be on all the furniture in the house we decided to let the cats claim the bed so that they can get their snuggles in too! And the cats certainly do not share the bed with the dogs – and in turn the dogs don’t even try! Haha!

  5. Mom has a Bailie bear in her bed. The bed is big, but Bailie bear insists on sleeping crossways in the bed butt end towards Mom. Every night several times, Mom is awakened by back paws kicking her in the face. The hope is that someday Bailie bear will learn to sleep properly up and down like a human, but so far no luck there. Bears in bed are tough.

  6. How about three bears in the bed? Luckily sometimes the bears get tired of me pushing back and they’ll decide to move to the floor/dog bed/chair where they can stretch out a little more freely!

    • So you’re more stubborn than the bears? Maybe I need to try that. But I suspect in a competition, Honey would come out more stubborn than me.

  7. Luckily I’ve managed to have bears in the house, but not in the bed. Neither Jack or Maggie have ever shown any inclination to getting on the bed…so I don’t encourage them. After 14 years of sharing with Sally and/or Tino (and Steve) it’s nice to have it bear free 😉

    • My first dogs, Agatha and Christie, never jumped on our bed. I think they were relieved to have two separate beds far away from each other.

      My last dog, Shadow, only jumped up on the bed around 4 a.m. and she stayed at the foot of the bed so I never knew she was there.

      If we don’t put Honey into her crate, she’ll sleep diagonally. I hope this doesn’t mean my next dog will sleep right on my face. We seem to have a progression. :)

      I imagine that with a bear-free bed, you get much better rest. Perhaps I can say the same some day.

  8. As long as you know who rules the roost, you don’t fight it and just accept what is.

  9. I think husband in the crate is definitely the way forward!!