Honey is four years old now. But her puppy months are burned into my brain.
Because of her, I realized that I hate puppies.
But with a little distance, I’ve learned that puppyhood wasn’t that awful. I was just poorly supplied.
Here’s my list of things you should give the person who just got a puppy.
Best Gifts for the Person Who Got a Puppy
If you’ve ever raised a puppy, you’ll agree with this list. And probably add a few of your own.
Sock and Underwear Insurance
Hey, my organic undies stitched by fairies paid a living wage cost a fortune. A good insurance policy would definitely have paid for itself.
Because when you tear your hair out after the puppy pees on the rug inside the door immediately after coming inside from a potty break, you’ll need chemical help to grow it back.
Mere clothing is not enough to protect you from puppy shark teeth. And since puppies tend to latch on to body parts that protrude, you may also consider breast reduction surgery.
Chemical Disposal Unit
You’ll need it to get rid of all the amazing products that were supposed to help you survive accidents (Nature’s Miracle, Ewww) and chewing on furniture (Bitter Apple spray).
A Step Stool
If you get a climbing puppy, like my first foster, Scooter, you’ll have to put everything he could get into higher than six feet off the ground. Yep, good luck reaching anything if you’re short.
Therapy (or Marriage Counseling, if applicable)
Failing Dr. Ian Dunbar’s plan for errorless house training will give you the guilt you haven’t suffered since you told your sister you hated her right before she fell on the ice and broke her arm.
And your marriage? Will it really survive the post-pee arguments? “I thought you were watching her.” “I’ve been with her all day. It’s your turn to watch her.”
A Really Large Annuity
Because if you work at home, you have no chance of getting anything done until your puppy grows up. You’ll need another source of income.
A Grub Hub Gift Certificate
Do you really think you can cook a meal without burning it when your puppy needs to go outside every ten minutes? Better rely on pizza and sushi for a while.
Flunitrazepam (otherwise known as roofies)
You’ll need something to make you forget the day before. Or you’ll never wake up and start all over again with the whining, the biting, the peeing, the pooping, the chewing…. Well, you get the idea.
On the other hand, maybe you don’t need this after all. Because one glance at that adorable bit of furriness in her crate gives you strength to carry on. And the hope that someday, if you survive puppydom, you’ll end up with a very nice dog.
This post is dedicated to all my friends who just adopted puppies. Hang in there. It doesn’t last forever.
Your Turn: What did I miss? Any gifts you think the person who just got a puppy needs to have?