The Good, the Bad, and the Just Plain Weird – Neuticles

Let’s talk about men and their balls.

They are a never ending source of amusement, from the bad puns (anyone for Schweddy Balls?) to giving baseball players something to play with between innings.

But does the male “attachment” to his testicles prevent him from neutering his dog?

Never fear. Neuticles® are here.

Neuticles: Testicular Implants for Pets

Some men with pets are surprised to find that neutering their animal means he will lose his testicles. Greg Miller was one.

Honey the Golden Retriever in the garden

I told you. I have no intention of appearing in this blog post. I do not endorse Neuticles.

The shock of his discovery led him to the inventor’s table, where he developed and patented the artificial testicle. How’s that for a claim to fame?

No longer must your dog awaken from anesthesia, go to lick himself, and come up with nothing but air.

He’s Got the Look

The choice to have your vet implant Neuticles, is purely aesthetic.

If a dog’s people were truly interested in keeping him “whole,” (the word most used by Neuticles customers), they’d ask their vet to perform a vasectomy so the dog could keep his testicles, along with his mounting, his roaming in search of in-heat bitches, and all the other charming traits powered by testosterone.

But they’re not that crazy. They just want their dog to look like he’s packing a complete set of dingly-danglies.

Preventing Unwanted Puppies

The best argument in favor of Netuticles is that their availability may convince people hesitant to neuter their pets, to do the right thing.

The Neuticles website refers to a 1997 ASPCA newsletter article in which the animal welfare organization claimed it had no problem with any product that convinced more people to neuter their pets.

And since 250,000 implants have been performed without reported health risks, I’m inclined to take the same stance, even as I laugh my head off.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

For me, the best thing about neuticles is the joy it’s brought to so many. Here are just some of the humorous links I’ve found:

  • Satirical articles here and here of the dog’s point of view regarding neuticles, written by Jeff Kinman.
  • Proof that the makers of neuticles don’t take themselves too seriously (laughing all the way to the bank, anyone?), they also sell neuticles earrings, aprons, t-shirts, and bathrobes. Christmas is coming. You can check out all the swanky Neuticles merchandise here.
  • And for a chance to see Neuticles in their home environment, this video shows Greg Miller showing off his dog Winston’s churchills.

 

 

Although most of the folks who comment here are women, I know there are men out there too. I’ve seen you in my Alexa ratings and as subscribers and Facebook fans. So come out with it. What do you think of Neuticles? And ladies, I want to know what you think too.

 
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Comments

  1. I thought it was a play on words and almost spit when I realized you were really talking about balls!

    I’ve heard of these implants but never knew what they were called and now I know. Personally I think it’s just vanity (probably on the man’s side) I don’t think dog’s look around and say, “hey look, buster’s had his balls cut off.” Does a dog know they are missing something? I’m not sure of that either.

    I do know I felt bad when poor little Sampson came home from the Vet without his beans, but I know it is better than having him do all the bad things associated with balls.

    So do these “Neuticles” hang down as the dog gets older, so the cat has something to play with? Or is that extra? 😉

  2. ROTFLMAO, I love this…so funny. These things are just…weird to me. I mean who really even wants this? Koly is not neutered (due to some lung issues that make putting him under a risky proposition. If there is ever (God Forbid) an accident or a necessary medical reason to put him under, we’ll do it then) and let me tell ya, those things are nothing but trouble and unsightly trouble at that!

  3. We are grossed out by Neuticles & can’t understand why in the world anyone would subject their dog to them.

  4. OMG – too funny. I’m at a loss for words! Don’t men know . .no one wants to look at those things? But if it helps someone make the decision to neuter their dog – BONUS!

  5. The inventor won the 2005 Nobel prize in medicine. I have no further comment.

  6. I can’t criticize when so many women with perfectly adequate breasts go for implants. So if they’re gone…

    On a serious note, anyone following me on Twitter knows I was watching the World Series last night. There was an absolutely vile Harley Davidson ad showing a man on a motorcycle “busting out” a bunch of dogs in cages waiting to be neutered. The implication is, of course, that neutering destroys your “wild side” and cool dudes don’t do it. View it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ8SVlZDN28

  7. I think that if the existence of Neuticles gets people to neuter their dogs who wouldn’t otherwise, then fantastic.

    Otherwise? They’re a laugh riot.

  8. Mike Webster says:

    So Julie said, “Don’t men know . .no one wants to look at those things?” Remember, Julie, you’re talking about the half of our species that invented the combover.

    And I can’t imagine this company staying content merely with the dog parts replacement market. So I’ve crafted what I hope will become the linchpin of a new marketing campaign aimed at males of ALL species:

    “Neuticles. Why Stop At Two?”

    • Why stop at two indeed? LOL! Thanks for the laugh Mike. :)

      • So now it becomes a contest of who has the MOST balls as opposed to who has the BIGGEST. Or do they come in different sizes?

        I can see the conversation now…..
        Bill “I personally have four neuticles.”
        Ted “Well I’ll see your four neuticles and raise you, I have four 1 inch neuticles and two 1 1/2 inch neuticles.”

    • THAT is funny :)

  9. Really? A quarter of a million men out there are insecure enough to implant faux testicles on their dogs?? (Sigh) But if it gets more dogs neutered…

  10. Oh, Pamela! I’ve been biting my lip for so long, just waiting for you to bring this up! I knew it was coming one day. *wipes away tears of mirth* It’s hilarious to me how many guys are so proud of the set that their dog has — as if their own testosterone were somehow tied to their dog’s nuts. I can still recall hubby joking about how Hawk’s “flat knacker sack looks like a fuzzy potato chip.” Guys just seem to have some irresistible connection to that part of a dog’s anatomy. God forbid they should have to put medication on a dog’s penis *glares at husband* but they’re hopelessly devoted to the alter of the testicles.

    Honestly, I agree in the end! If it gets more people to neuter their dogs, then it’s a good thing! But I’ll still be laughing at them!

    • “God forbid they should have to put medication on a dog’s penis *glares at husband*”

      I CANNOT believe I’m typing this…but boy, does this statement ring true! When Dewi was much younger, I discovered that he only had one descended “nugget,” but just to be sure, I asked my husband for a second opinion. You would have thought I’d asked him to streak down the street in broad daylight. 😉 No, he wouldn’t do it. I don’t get it.

  11. Personally i think the idea is silly, but if that’s what it takes to get some men to neuter their dogs, then by all means go for it!

    • Agreed. I have trouble seeing the point, but if it would somehow make a guy feel better about it and go through with neutering, why not?

  12. Completely ridiculous! I wonder what the dog thinks about them??

  13. I’m creeped out by how much that guy loves that this dog has balls. But then again, I’m not a guy..

  14. OMG, OMG… too funny! Your opening line “Let’s talk about men and their balls” was enough to get me rolling with laughter! Love this blog post but think the idea is completely ridiculous! But hey, what do we expect from men right? 😉

  15. I don’t know if it’s an urban myth but you’ve probably heard about monorchid show dogs whose owners get them a testicle implant and then the lost one drops? So they’ve then got 3 testicles:) Aren’t people silly!

    Great post. I knew you’d have fun with it and have us laughing:)

  16. Oh Pamela! You’ve really outdone yourself this time! I was at work when I started reading your post and had to stop because I didn’t want my cube mates to hear me giggling like a crazy woman.

    In addition to being funny, you also told me everything I didn’t know about neuticles. 250,000 implants have been performed? Yikes! That’s a lot of dogs with fake balls. I think the maker has probably made some good money off these, if only from the humorous side products they sell. I wonder how Esterisol will impact their business in 2012? It’s a new drug that has been used for many years by the ASPCA in Mexico and elsewhere to sterilize male dogs. That way dogs an keep their balls while not having the danger of being a daddy. So interesting.

    BTW – I’m with Elizabeth, that opening line was stellar.

  17. I admit that I knew what a Neuticle was before I clicked into this post, so I wasn’t completely blindsided, but oh my. What an unexpected morning pick-me-up! :) I’m not sure I can read anything else today. Honestly. :)

    “packing a complete set of dingly-danglies” – I’m going to start using this terminology at home. My son thanks you in advance.

    (I think Neuticles are crazy talk, btw. But then again, I don’t have dingly-danglies.)

  18. can’t wait until someone invents Neuipples for their females.

  19. Oh My Dawg! You have got to be kidding me…No one is this foolish…are they?

  20. I agree ladies, men are so stupid and we are so smart. Right?