My Husband Sleeps With Two Bitches

Honey the Golden Retriever in Bed

Always keep an eye on the blond who wants to sleep with your husband.

One barks when she doesn’t get enough sleep, slobbers contentedly out the side of her mouth when she does, and was just whining for a cookie.

The other one is a dog.

I’m So Tired

I don’t sleep well. Even though I do all the right things.

  • I wake up and go to bed around the same time every night.
  • I think calming thoughts.
  • If I wake up, I get out of bed until I think I can sleep again.
  • I meditate.

Honey is a professional sleeper. In fact, she’s dozing with her head on my lap right now.

She can sleep anywhere, anytime, in any position. No matter who she makes uncomfortable.

I hold a party if I sleep for six uninterrupted hours in a row. I can’t remember the last time it happened.

I’m Not Paranoid; They’re Out to Get Me

My husband is also a professional sleeper. I remember him falling asleep in classes during college. No, not in a huge lecture hall. In a small seminar.

For years he’s listened to me prattle on comparing two of my favorite movies—Bob Fosse’s All That Jazz and Federico Fellini’s before admitting he had slept through the Italian film each of the three times we saw it together.

Now they’re combining their magnificent powers of sleep to bring me down.

Just Make Her Move

While we’re settling in for the night, Honey dozes on the bed. Most nights, before we shut off the light, Mike moves Honey to her crate with the promise of cookies.

Sometime early in the morning, he opens the crate and lets her back on the bed. I struggle to find a comfortable position, covered by my blanket and avoiding the flailing furry limbs spread all over my side of the bed.

Mike tells me I just need to push her over, as he moves her off his legs and onto mine.

But last night, we didn’t follow the pattern.

Mike didn’t lure Honey into her crate with cookies. And she expanded her territory like the wild beast she is—ALL NIGHT LONG!

Is this the beginning of the end? Am I being replaced?

Is this my husband’s way of finally getting to go to bed with a blond?

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Comments

  1. Mike Webster says:

    From the Husband:
    I rather think not. I think, rather, that it’s the blonde’s way of getting to go to bed with my wife by brainwashing her husband into being overly distracted by Star Trek reruns. Yes, my dog has this power. . .

  2. Hey Honey, Jet here. Hi Miss Pamela.

    Mom kinda has sleep issues… uh, kinda inflicted first my the husband (now ex) who came in from work between 2-5 a.m., setting off the alarm warning and listening to the tv REALLY LOUD, then my human sister with her colic, thrashing, sleep talking and eventually teenage late nights and then… uh… ME… who only needs 5 hours to remain the manly man I am (not including the MASSIVE naps during the day when Mom has to go to the biscuit earning place!)…

    The only thing… Mom says giving us lovies while we cuddle in bed… yes… we have the majority and she has a minority sliver of mattress… helps relax her.

  3. Hey Pamela, Really enjoyed this entry! I’m sorry you have sleep issues, but at least your pet wants to be around you. Our calico, the Princess, adores my husband and sleeps snuggled closely to him while the dog would rather cuddly up with our other cat than to me. Hence, I’ve got lots of room and nobody to share it with! Can’t win! LOL

  4. Loved your post! I’m with you with the sleep issues, even though Sage sleeps at our feet. It’s not her.

  5. Ah, yes – though I chuckle and love the dogs who make up the mosh pit under which I sleep, I’m with you, Pam; real deep sleep for multiple hours in a row is rare. It happened last night, though – I worked Thursday night – very concentrated and busy but not overwhelmed. Napped a couple hours, then had multiple volunteers (YESH) walk all dogs who could go on walks. They kept me awake till early evening. After they left, even though I was very, very hungry, I chose sleep; the mosh pit assembled and off to dreamland we went – very relaxing and deep which would not have happened without the volunteers keeping me awake during the afternoon and evening in lovely, breezy, sunny to cool weather.
    OK – way too long a comment but am just now waking up this morning….consider yourself the platinum blonde :).

  6. Yes…! I love it when the husbands reply to posts like these! :)

    My husband jokes that he is the luckiest man in the world because he gets to go to bed with a blonde (Luna), a Brunette (Penny), and a red head (me).

    I would be careful though, Honey is a smart girl and will soon figure out that the bed is a much comfortable place to sleep than her crate! We have been trying to get Luna off our bed for 4 years now!

  7. Uh oh! On the bright side, I hear there’s a crate available at night! *snicker*

  8. Don’t let this (http://www.kolchakpuggle.com/2012/03/bedtime-fairytale.html) happen to you. I have a dream…t’s called the “Double Queen Bed” and it’s the solution to everyone’s problems.

  9. My kids always want the dog to sleep with them, but he’ll only climb into bed with me. And he’s a brunette.

  10. We typically work out bed real estate pretty well between Elka, the fiance, and I. “Move” and “Settle” are two instrumental cues for this to go smoothly. It doesn’t always go well, and Elka has a knack for uncomfortably stepping on us.

  11. I had to laugh at this post. This is my parents…. except they have to miniature schnauzers, that are OBSESSED, with my dad. So my mom will have comfort that she is not the only one.

    Thanks for the smile,
    Nicole

  12. Ha, Ha! Sean sleeps with 2 bitches, too! 😀

  13. Oh my I do love the title of your post…Kind of like me saying I sleep with a hairy guy BOL!

  14. Hehehe. My hubby does too. (He didn’t use to. It used to be just the blonde – me – but we recently went from a Queen to a King, and Rita has decided the bed is now big enough that there’s room for all three of us. She used to only get up in bed with us around 5a.m., but now she sleeps the whole night with us.)

  15. I’m somewhat lucky. BJ sleeps on his half of the bed with his pillow, most of the time. The other times he pins my legs against the edge of the bed and the comforter so I can’t move them.

  16. I’m a very sound sleeper. If I wasn’t, I’d never allow the dog on the bed! You do NOT want to know me of little sleep for sure!

  17. Sigh…those professional sleepers. I hear your pain; I spend most nights struggling not only with my congenital insomnia but with bony, scratchy paws strewn across my neck and a snoring Swiss dude sprawled across the full expanse of the bed. Florian and Fozzie too have a relationship that really makes me wonder sometimes…:)

  18. I love this!! I’ve struggled with sleeping for years, I rarely get more than two or three straight hours of sleep. A combination of vitamins, shutting all electronics off and reading has helped me get into better sleep patterns. However professional sleeper will never be something I add to my resume.

    I also sleep with two dogs in the bed, so most nights I’m on the edge, but having them there makes me happy, so I deal. :-)

  19. Sorry to hear about your sleeping problems, silly hormones seem to play a huge role in the problem :( Since I started lifting weights, I’ve slept better, I have no idea why! Cali has never wanted to sleep with us, she enjoys her own space!! I always try to get her to sleep with me when my hubby is out of town, but no dice :(