I’d Rather Have Scorpions in My Underwear…

Golden Retriever lying near blueberry bush

My person says these pretty colors exist to lure us into complacency so the weather can freeze our feet to the ground.
Get me out of here!

I’m evil.

I know I’m supposed to love autumn: the turning leaves, the cool days, the crisp apples. But I hate it.

It’s just the pretty season they use to anesthetize us with beauty before we get socked in with snow, darkness, and cold.

That’s why I’ve decided to become Australian.

It’s Spring in Australia

No, I’m not moving. I can’t afford to move half way across the planet because I don’t enjoy fall and winter.

Instead, I’m going to put on a pair of Australia colored glasses. I’m embedding myself deep in an Australia fantasy. I’ve already begun by:

  • Watching hours of Robyn Butler television shows
  • Covering my head when walking where birds are nesting in my gutters so I don’t get hurt when they attack
  • Giving little nicknames to all my words; I’ll tell you all about it after brekkie
  • Added Marmite to my grocery list

Later today I’ll be adding some patches to Honey’s fur to make her into an Australian Shepherd. (She wanted to be a dingo but I didn’t think she had the attitude.)

And I’m working on thumbing my nose at authority figures. Yes, I know Americans think we have that down but we pale in comparison with our Australian cousins.

Okay, have I missed any stereotypes? Offensive or otherwise?

Come to Australia—In Your Mind

Luckily I’ve found some great tourism videos to encourage my fantasies.

First is one that has tells about all the awesome animals that live there:

And here’s the second video I found funny. It’s a comic answer to the official tourism campaign that was banned in Great Britain and Canada for bad language.

Warning: This is not safe for work, for people who don’t like four-letter words, or for those who don’t think Australians have a better sense of humor than anyone else in the world (except perhaps the Canadians, but their humor is a little sneakier.)

If any of those describe you, don’t watch. I warned you.

Surviving Autumn

Hopefully my little scheme will work. In my mind I’ll be looking for sharks on Bondi Beach or meditating at the foot of Uluru to a didgeridoo soundtrack. On the outside, I’ll be raking leaves and weatherizing my basement.

Because, frankly, I’d rather have scorpions in my underwear than apple cider in my fridge if it means winter is coming.

This post is dedicated to our friends Georgia Little Pea and her Typist with hopes that they can read the dumb jokes and broad stereotypes and still like us anyway. 

If you’re reading this in the northern hemisphere, do you love the fall? Or does the increasing dark and cold have your sobbing into your pillow and eating cookies? How about your dog? Is she or he excited about the cooler weather?

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Comments

  1. Oh…… my…. almost said something naughty. Message to Georgia Little Pea– I want your take on it! Pamela I’m literally crying with laughter. BEST FRIDAY MORNING IN MONTHS. Thank you thank you thank you!

  2. Aww!!! I can’t wait to se Georgia’s response. Loved the videos. The tourism one was pretty funny. I always love seeing people’s real reactions to stuff like this. :)

    Marmite does not sound all that appealing to be honest, but maybe I need to give it a try. Have you ever tried it? Is it sold here in the states?

    Miss Georgia – I believe we may need an Australian dictionary on your site for just these things – brekkie and Marmite. I have figured out many of them, but maybe for the ones I don’t? :)

    Well done Pamela! Well done!

  3. Australia terrifies me, quite frankly. Everything there is deadly poisonous. I swear even the rocks probably have enough venom to kill a person. I really don’t know how they sustain a population. One moment you are walking along a trail, the next you step on a vicious fire ant and it’s all over. Australians must be the toughest people in the world. I’ll take my cold weather over death by falling leaf.

    Thanks for the morning giggles!

  4. lol that reminds me of the children’s book Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, where he decides his day is so bad, he’s going to go to Australia. But then he learns that bad days happen everywhere….even in Australia.

    I enjoy fall okay but I’m kind of with you…the days are shorter, you wake up and it’s still dark out, and that ice and snow is just inevitable.

  5. Well, after a summer of 115 plus weather, we look forward to Winter, which here in Arizona means the temperatures drop down to maybe 80ish?

    Sam

  6. I moved to a warm climate many years ago to get away from cold weather. It helped some, but nothing makes up for the early night and late morning sunshine. I’m looking forward to GLP and her typist telling me that they are happy with our sunshine, that they have lovely scenery and activities in the sunshine, and will give it back to us in a few months. I’ve read some books set in Australia and it is a fascinating place…all those beaches.

  7. Ha ha, those were too funny! We tried moving to South Carolina to be warmer, but I missed beautiful, green Oregon. We keep talking about a “winter” house (in our dreams, right?). Australia seems almost as scary as Texas :)

  8. I’m with Sam. After hitting 98 all summer (thank heavens it wasn’t as hot as last year), we’re *thrilled* at the idea of winter. “Winter” meaning maybe one light frost.

  9. Well, I love autumn myself…probably has something to do with the fact that I live in a place that feels like a steaming swampy cesspool in the summer. But I will say that Georgia’s springtime postie brought me a big smile the other day, and got me thinking how much I enjoy that season too (and no, I’m not really this cheerful in person…:))

  10. I’m not much of an Autumn person either. Give me Spring, my absolute favorite time of the year. but I do love living where we have 4 seasons. I missed them when I lived in Washington.

    The dogs like fall more than summer because they can run around like manics and be outside longer.

  11. Struth! How did I miss this? You poor thing stuck in the impending gloom and doom of winter. I bet it’ll be a biggie too. Are you sure you don’t want to move here? I must say, and this is the honest truth, when I do my spring and summer posts, I think of you and all the poor people in the northern hem and try to put lots of nice sunny pictures so you won’t get S.A.D. If only humans could hibernate eh.

    Well, I’m off to enjoy my beautiful Sunday. You rug up and have a good one too. And hey! THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT’S VEGEMITE, NOT MARMITE! I think M is what those palefaces in the UK eat. BWAH haha!!! 😀

    • OH my goodness, I just read your comments and can’t stop laughing! I can tell you the most frightening thing in my neighbourhood are THE BIRDS! If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it at least 5 times on my blog. I am on a personal mission to dispel the myth that birds are sweet inoffensive creatures that warble and drink honey. You have a far better chance of being pecked in the head by birds than being kicked in the gut by a roo or taken by a croc.

      Okay, better get out of bed now and put on my armour for the day.

  12. Most excellent video finds! I can’t decide which is my favorite. The song about all the deadly critters that live in AU or the “slogan contest” video.

  13. I don’t think fall would be so bad if we had a summer ever!! But here it is always grey and wet – I think i may move with you!! You have room on your imaginary beach for me right??