The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen moods of Honey,
When in the Course of canine events, it becomes necessary for one dog to dissolve the leash bonds which have connected her with her person, and to assume among the powers of the neighborhood, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s DOG entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of dogkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all dogs are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of squirrels. That to secure these rights, Walkies are instituted among them, deriving their just powers from the consent of the walked, That whenever any Form of Walk becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Dog to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Walkies, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its direction in such form, as to them that shall most likely to effect their sniffing and squirrel-chasing. Prudence (Prudence being the poodle mix who lives down the block), indeed, will dictate that Walkies long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that dogkind are more disposed to suffer, while bad walks are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the walks to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of boring walks and misdirections, pursuing invariably the same path evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Bossiness, it is their right, it is their duty to throw off such a Leash, and to ask for new Walkers for their future enjoyment. Such has been the patient sufferance of this golden retriever; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter her former Directions of Walkies. The history of the present Dog Walker (that means you, woman) is a history of repeated messing up and going in the wrong direction, all in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over the Walks. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a canine world.
She has refused her Assent to Stop Long Enough for Sniffing, the most wholesome and necessary for this dog’s good.
She has forbidden other Walkers, the kind with cheeseburgers in their pockets, to Walk this dog until her Assent should be obtained.
She has refused to pass other Dogs for the accommodation of large games of bitey face, unless those Dogs’ people give their assent first.
She has chosen Walks at places wet, uncomfortable, and distant from where the cookies are stored for the sole purpose of fatiguing the Dog into compliance with her wishes.
She has canceled Walks repeatedly, for purposes of surfing on the internet. She has refused for a long time, after such cancellations, to get off her butt and make up for the lost time suffered while watching her surf the internet.
She has transported us to blocks on which we did not want to walk because they did not have all the interesting smells of another block.
In every stage of these Bad Walks we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated pullings in a new direction have been answered only by pulling us back in the old direction. A Walker whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a stinky Dog Walker, is unfit to be a walker for a free dog.
I, therefore, the golden retriever of the house of Webster, in solidarity with other dogs, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (that would be Rufus, the Irish Wolfhound who lives on Court Street) for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Dogs of this town, solemnly publish and declare, That I have the right to be walked off leash, absolved of all harnesses and collars, and that all requirement that we walk together be totally dissolved (as soon as I learn how to open the door by myself); and that as a Free and Independent Dog, I have the full Power to play bitey face, do zoomies, sniff butts, and do all other Acts and Things which Independent Dogs may of right do. And for the Support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence (Providence being that terrier who barks at us when we walk by his house), I pledge my kibble, my favorite ball, and my stuffed lamb…
Oh, er, never mind.
Let’s go for a walk.
Happy Independence Day, Americans!
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