Glad to Meat You

My husband wrote this guest post a few weeks ago. He is alive, well, and entirely intact.

Golden Retriever sniffing finger

Hmmm. . . something about this speaks to me in a way that kibble never does.

Over the past two days, Honey has been coming up to me out of nowhere and nuzzling the palm of my right hand.

I would find this behavior cute instead of vaguely creepy but for the fact that my little finger has been seeping trace amounts of blood from the eight stitches I received from a losing encounter two days ago with an access hatch cover. (No, really, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.)

The dog’s sudden interest in that hand drives home the point that she is, after all, a happy, fuzzy, friendly. . . carnivore. Domesticated as she is, her genetic history still leads back to wolves.

I mean, I know she loves me after her own fashion. I just don’t know if, deep inside, some little part of her own fashion may yet tend to blur the distinction between loving me as “master” and as “meal.”

Now, in all honesty, I don’t really expect to wake up any time soon to discover a cheerful little bright red muzzle bouncing around our bed, carrying a hand chewed off at the wrist.

But I will say this: After watching Honey’s subtle altered behavior around this injury, I’m really very appreciative that Pam decided to ignore my initial pet preference and chose a golden retriever instead of a great white shark.

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  1. He is such a character. I’m so glad you are loved by such a witty, charming man :)

  2. i had a wisdom tooth extraction on monday and Georgia showed an unholy interest in my bloody mouth. i hope she was just showing concern (and horror) at my awful breath rather than sussing out if there was anything edible in there. she’s, in the past, also sniffed hungrily at my bad knee, post-op. very creepy.

    pamela wanted a great white for a pet? go girl! my first choice was a snake.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your recent surgery. Are you sure Georgia isn’t just comforting you in your distress? You know, I couldn’t ever think anything bad of GLP! :)

      In honor of your recent surgery, I’ll share the song I wrote for a friend who had 4 wisdom teeth removed at the same time.

      (Sung to the tune, I’m looking over a four leaf clover. If you don’t know it, listen on You Tube:

      I’m looking over
      My four lost molars
      That I used to have before
      One’s in the corner
      And one’s in a cup
      One tooth I swallowed
      And then I threw up
      No use complaining ’bout the one remaining
      It’s lost in the blood and gore
      I’m looking over my four lost molars
      That I used to have before.

      I only bring that little gem of songwriting out for very special friends. I hope it helps your gap to heal quickly. :)

      • this was SO worth coming back for! i am lauging plenty and rather glad that i can again! you’re quite a lyricist Ms Pamela.

        your poor friend. 4 together? i hope they put her under. i turned out to be one of the 5% of patients they call “complicated”. but of course. why do things the simple way? the moral of my story is – never trust a dentist who tells you it’ll be an in and out job. easy-peasy. “my foot!” that’s all i have to say :)

        nighty night from me xox

        • Hope your-in-and-out has not become “complicated” at home. The Hubby was one who had to have all four dug out and he got the dreaded “dry sockets.” I think oral surgeons (and dentists) are secret sadists.

          Pamela, I will be sure to stop over here the next time I’m recovering from something awful. But, then I suppose I’ll need to act like a friend first. :)

          • GLP–I’m glad you’re feeling better now. I never think of wisdom tooth removal as easy. It is surgery after all. Of course, I’m such a scaredy cat that I once avoided the dentist for 10 years. When I finally showed up, the hygienist said I must have the immune system of an Amazon.

            Elizabeth–You come by any time you’re ailing and I’ll be glad to write a silly song for you too. :)

  3. A shark, eh? Our husbands seem to have a lot in common. Anytime we’re watching a show with animals in it, which is every single night, he always comes up with some outrageous justification for why we need the animal on the screen. Be it a lion, a boa constrictor, or a shark. Yet I am not allowed to have a goat.

    ANYway, I’ve never noticed a dog being interested in human blood before. That is kind of creepy. I’d probably assume my dog was just trying to lick my wound as a way of healing me. It’s kind of startling to realize I would be way off. Huh. I am starting to wonder now if my cat really IS plotting my death every time he licks his lips…

    • Maybe cats are willing to do what dog don’t have the stomach for. Haven’t you heard those creepy stories about people who died alone at home and were finally discovered half eaten by their cats? Ewwwww.

      Okay, this line of thinking was just a little creepy before. But now I’m getting seriously bummed out. I think I’ll go look for some fuzzy puppy videos.

      • Kristine,

        Mike here, writing from Pam’s login with two thoughts.

        First, to spur your husband’s interest in the goat, let him know you’re willing to meet him in the middle and get a saber-toothed goat. That should do it.

        Second, regarding whether your cat is plotting your death. . . yes, yes he is. (After all, that’s what cats do.)

        Regards, Mike

  4. Does she also lick her lips when she is inspecting your boo-boo? Our dogs get this very worried look (crinkled forehead, dropped ears, for example), then sort of slurp their lips right next to any injury (bloody or otherwise) while sniffing it.

    I always tell them, “Don’t worry. Mommy is fine.” It probably doesn’t help.

    Oh, and p.s. your sense of humor (Thank you for asking) reminds me of my pal Ruth of (the fabulous geezersister’s fame). She often does this thing where she’ll be telling a story and say something like, “Let’s call him Jim … because that’s his name.” As if she is going to use a fake name, then slips in the real one. It cracks me up.

    So thanks for the laugh. Sorry about your boo-boo.

    • I hope Mike doesn’t get another boo boo that I can watch Honey’s reaction more carefully. But if he does, I’ll remember what you said about appearing worried.

      Mike and I both love the kind of humor you’re talking about. Remember Blazing Saddles: “Well, my name is Jim. But my friends call me… Jim.”

  5. You are definitely witty, but this IS a creepy topic. If I was bleeding from my head (or hand, leg, whatever), I know my dogs would lick it up. Even worse, the resource guarder (JF) would fight the other one for it. But on the bright side, after they drained me, I’m certain they’d want to snuggle. :)

  6. Just remember that dog spit is not antiseptic in spite of some old wives’ tales.

  7. Awe Mr. Guest Poster! She isn’t going after your hand cause it smells like a meal, she is just worried about you! (we will ignore the fact my Bella sometimes tries to lick my injuries, LOL)

    • I think blood is right up there with antifreeze, lead paint chips, and other things that taste sweet if you don’t have the part of your brain that tells you to stay away from such things. I don’t worry about such things as much as my husband.

      Of course, I never hurt myself. :)

  8. Our girls usually seem genuinely concerned over our injuries, and at one point, they certainly could have done me in if they’d wanted to, so I sleep pretty well at night! Still, walking a shark down the street would be so cool! Imagine all the conversations you could have when you met people with one of those on a leash!

    I’m glad I’m not the only history buff in the world! It bothers me a lot when people are ignorant about basic history and geography! Gah!

    • I was thinking of how a shark would come across to all those door-to-door solicitors we get. :)

      Keep trying to teach history. I often wonder how different our political debates would look if more people had a background into how things became they way they are today.

  9. BOL – whenever I get injured, which happens a lot having horses, Sam and Monty try to play “nurse” and help me get better. The gorier the injury, the happier they seem to be!


  10. My advice: Sleep with one eye open. 😉 I hope the finger heals quickly.

  11. Okay, the moral of this story is… don’t bleed near your dog. Nuff said.

    • At the risk of being too gross, I will say that other bodily fluids that accompany illness are attractive to dogs as well.

      And last night I was reading John Bradshaw on the domestication of dogs who speculated they may have helped earlier civilizations from having their (human) waste get out of hands. Yucko!