Dogs understand a lot.
They get meaning from our body language, inflections, and even our words. But if we’re creative, we can hurl insults at them when they act like stinkers without hurting their feelings.
I have a few choice favorites.
Things I Say To Dogs
Let’s face it. Sometimes our dogs are annoying.
But we have to set them up for success. We have to realize that when they make a mistake it’s all our fault. And we have to keep our relationship positive.
What can a girl do to get some frustration out?
In my sweetest voice, I sometimes say the following:
You’re a stinky little turd blossom and I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns. (For a puppy who just had a long walk and a visit to the backyard before coming inside and peeing on Honey’s pillow.)
You little woofy so and so. Why do you hate me so much? (To Honey after barking incessantly to go outside to roll in the snow while I was on a work conference call.)
Curses, you little fuzzy butt. I damn you to the third level of hell where there are no dog biscuits. (To Honey who has decided she doesn’t want to walk home after leaving my husband at the door of his office. Oh, and it’s raining. And the temperature is dropping.)
You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. (To the neighbor’s dog who lets out a woof and riles up Honey for the next twenty minutes.)
Thank you for putting me on the friction diet. I feel so much lighter after losing all that blood and skin. (To Shadow after pulling me down to the ground while walking on icy sidewalks.)
Why couldn’t you have been born a cat? (To Honey right now when she’s demanding to go for a walk before I finish my post.)
You are cursed demon spawn with the destructive power of a satanic cyclone filled with knives. (To Agatha and Christie after they ate my couch. And my other couch. And my kitchen floor. And my cookbook collection….)
Of course, none of these things ever hurt a dog’s feelings. As long as I sound happy and stroke their chest at the same time, they don’t seem to mind a bit.
Other Things I Say To Dogs
If I have to be honest, I rarely hurl insults at dogs. Even in a sweet voice.
I’m more likely to say
You’re the best puppy ever. (To every dog I ever meet.)
I love you so much it hurts to breathe. (To Honey or whichever dog lives with me at the time.)
Who made you so perfect? (Definitely to Honey.)
But it’s nice to know that if I really have to get a little stress out, I can hurl insults at dogs in the nicest voice possible and not hurt their feelings one little bit.
We Have A Winner!
Thank you to everyone who took time to answer my survey about Something Wagging This Way Comes. I’m so thankful for your suggestions, kind words, and the stories you shared.
Our lucky winner of the $20 Amazon gift card, drawn at random, is Beth Patterson who blogs at The Daily Dog Tag.
The Daily Dog Tag might be the prettiest blog I know and it’s filled with beautiful photography and happy rescue stories. So stop by to congratulate her and stay for the sweet tales we can’t get enough of.
Your Turn: Do you insult your dogs when they act like stinkers? Does it seem to hurt their feelings?