Puppies take a lot of time. Especially if you try to raise them right.
They transform your life and reshape your day.
Thinking about getting a puppy? Read this first.
All the things you can’t do with a puppy around
1. Eat complicated foods. Forget sectioning a grapefruit. Stick to simple finger foods, like tater tots. Preferably still frozen.
2. Say, “it’s only been an hour. He doesn’t need to go out again.” Yes he does, my friend. Yes he does.
3. Work on a computer. Within seconds of your starting, he’ll decide he needs to be on your lap. Oh, and once there, he’ll decide he needs to type too.
4. Go to the bathroom. Did you know a puppy is small enough to sneak into the space between the toilet and the wall but large enough to run off with the toilet brush in his mouth?
5. Hold an uninterrupted phone conversation for more than a few minutes. See #2.
6. Decorate a Christmas tree. Don’t believe me? Just ask the Taleteller family.
7. Sleep for more than 3 hours in a row. Even if your puppy is old enough to make it four hours at a time without a break during the work day, he’ll make sure to drink enough water right before bed that he’s lucky to make it 3 hours without needing to go outside for a potty break.
8. Keep your house tidy. Puppy starts sniffing the recycling bin? Up it goes on the desk. Next he explores the books on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. Move them in a pile up higher. Sticks his nose in the file box? Shove it on top of the file cabinet.
Get the picture?
9. Go out for a leisurely dinner followed by a movie. Once again, see #2.
10. Watch your adult dog enjoy playing with a toy or bone. If someone else has it, puppy wants it. Apparently puppy cute rays work on other dogs just like they do on humans.
11. Talk about politics or music or art. Walk into a room filled with friends or co-workers and the first thing you hear is, “how’s the puppy?”
12. Load a dishwasher. When your back is turned long enough to grab the next plate, the puppy has installed himself on the open door of the dishwasher to provide his pre-rinse services to the dishes you’ve already loaded.
13. Dry yourself after a shower. Step out of the tub, put on a bathrobe, and find a small tongue “drying” your toes, your feet, your legs…
14. Keep dirty clothes in a hamper. To a puppy, dirty clothes make great chew toys, retrieval bumpers, and bedding.
15. Walk through a door. You want him to stay inside. But by the time you make it through the door, he’s sitting on the outside looking at you. Do puppies have a transporter beam? Cuz I swear I never saw him move between my legs.
16. Recharge your laptop. Plug in your laptop. Puppy steps on cord and pulls it out of the wall. Plug in your lap top. Puppy rolls over cord and pulls it out of the computer. Plug in your laptop. Puppy chases big dog over cord and pulls it out of the wall.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
17. Watch television without a remote. Puppy squeal of joy. Turn up the volume. Everyone’s asleep. Turn down the volume. Puppy bark. Turn up the volume.
18. Take a long walk with him on a cold day. When he gets tired, he expects you to carry him home.
19. Watch doggie porn. It’s the one thing on a computer screen that catches his attention.
20. Miss being seen by your neighbors wearing a ratty bathrobe and boots early in the morning while dancing around and singing, “Good poopy! Good poopy!” See #2.
21. Resist the awesome superpowers of cuteness, playfulness, and joy that puppies exhibits all the time.