When I’m holding a dripping paint roller or balancing on a ladder, you’ll hear a frequent refrain: “Honey, why can’t you?…
If my dog could do a few things to help me out, I wouldn’t mind a bit.
Things I Wish My Dog Could Do
Answer the phone. I’d love to see the look on that telemarketer’s face when his pitch is answered with a bark.
Cook dinner. Heck, there’s dog hair in it when I cook. How much worse could it be?
Use the toilet. We already clean up after Honey using flushable poop bags. This would cut out the middle man.
Climb a ladder. Preferably with a little bucket of paint in her mouth. Or the new brush I want. I’d work faster if I weren’t going down and up the ladder every time I needed something.
Change the radio station. I love the variety I hear on the radio. But some music grates on my last nerve. Friends don’t make friends listen to David Byrne and Rufus Wainwright butchering Puccini.
Wash a load of laundry. I wouldn’t wash nearly so often if it weren’t for all the dog hair. It only seems fair, doesn’t it?
Vacuum. See above.
Take herself for a walk. It’s freaking cold. She likes it. I don’t. Enough said.
Guard the refrigerator. Honey has no guarding instincts whatsoever. But if she did, I’d give her a job keeping my husband from eating a jar of peanut butter every two days so there’d be something left when I got hungry for a PB&J.
Shop for groceries. Without a car, grocery shopping takes a lot of time—about two hours with two half hour bus rides. Would it kill Honey to interrupt one of her naps with an errand?
Paint. Doesn’t that floofy tail just look like it was made to be a paint brush?
Ah well. A girl can dream, can’t she?
I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with my layabout, wastrel dog who keeps me company, makes me happy, and never laughs at my bad jokes.
Your Turn: What do you most wish your dog could do?