11 Things I Wish My Dog Could Do

When I’m holding a dripping paint roller or balancing on a ladder, you’ll hear a frequent refrain: “Honey, why can’t you?…

If my dog could do a few things to help me out, I wouldn’t mind a bit.

Honey the golden retriever goes for a walk.

Why do you look at me and say, “It’s a good thing you’re so cute.”

Things I Wish My Dog Could Do

Answer the phone. I’d love to see the look on that telemarketer’s face when his pitch is answered with a bark.

Cook dinner. Heck, there’s dog hair in it when I cook. How much worse could it be?

Use the toilet. We already clean up after Honey using flushable poop bags. This would cut out the middle man.

Honey the golden retriever waits in the restroom.

No thank you. I prefer the great outdoors.

Climb a ladder. Preferably with a little bucket of paint in her mouth. Or the new brush I want. I’d work faster if I weren’t going down and up the ladder every time I needed something.

Change the radio station. I love the variety I hear on the radio. But some music grates on my last nerve. Friends don’t make friends listen to David Byrne and Rufus Wainwright butchering Puccini.

Wash a load of laundry. I wouldn’t wash nearly so often if it weren’t for all the dog hair. It only seems fair, doesn’t it?

Vacuum. See above.

Take herself for a walk. It’s freaking cold. She likes it. I don’t. Enough said.

Honey, the Golden Retriever, comes running back on her walk.

Just let me go. I’ll take myself for a walk.

Guard the refrigerator. Honey has no guarding instincts whatsoever. But if she did, I’d give her a job keeping my husband from eating a jar of peanut butter every two days so there’d be something left when I got hungry for a PB&J.

Shop for groceries. Without a car, grocery shopping takes a lot of time—about two hours with two half hour bus rides. Would it kill Honey to interrupt one of her naps with an errand?

Paint. Doesn’t that floofy tail just look like it was made to be a paint brush?

Golden Retriever smiling.

Look at my technique. I’d make a great painter. Perhaps the next Dogatello or Muttchaelangelo.

Ah well. A girl can dream, can’t she?

I guess I’ll just have to be satisfied with my layabout, wastrel dog who keeps me company, makes me happy, and never laughs at my bad jokes.

Your Turn: What do you most wish your dog could do?






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  1. What a great list, I wish mine could do the same.

  2. Wouldn’t that be nice? Mine keep me company while I do all of the above, I guess that’s something… 😉

    Monty and Harlow

  3. At 6am, I wish they could let themselves out.

  4. Agree!!! Cook dinner and vacuum up their own hair would be fantastic!!! LOL

  5. I wish that they could speak – that’s all – just speak! Although, I’ve a feeling Willow’s voice would be all high pitched and so annoying (she has the Basenji scream down to a T) and Harvey would just be like “Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum…” ad finitum! So maybe not…maybe I wouldn’t want them to speak at all 😉 (I would!)

  6. Ad-infinitum of course 😉

  7. I’m with Cora. There are times I want to know what’s going on in their brains SO badly…Like when Duster brings me his squeeky frog and just drops it in my lap.

  8. Mom wishes Katie could walk herself these days as she still loves walking but she is very slow and it eats up time Mom doesn’t have. She also said she would like us to vacuum when she is at work. Those are the two big ones.

  9. Drive!

  10. When it’s so cold like it has been lately, I just wish they would do their business in our backyard and be done with it! My guys (esp. Wilson) do not like soiling their own area. So even for a quick bedtime potty break, I need to get all suited-up and go for a 15 minute walk. I love walking my dogs, but not when it literally hurts to be outdoors!

    PS It may be too late for this suggestion, but a power-roller for painting is a great thing. No more up/down the ladder to refill your roller pan. You just fill the tank and paint an entire room! The trade-off is that the clean up is a bit more intensive, but so worth it in my opinion.

  11. Hmmmm…I like the vacuum thing. I also wish Blueberry could help me with the yard work, like pulling weeds. Instead, my weed pulling makes her anxious because she thinks I am pulling out all of her precious grass. I would like for her to learn how to make dinner too. Or at least open a can of soup when I am feeling ill. Oh! And clean the bathrooms. And iron! I suppose it is a good thing B can’t help me with certain things – no doubt she’d get roped into more than she bargained for and probably go looking for a new home! I call her a freeloader often. 😉

  12. Mity once decided he was going to help us paint. He was a puppy and we’d only had him a few days, I accidentally put the paint tray on the floor and he put his nose in it. I think he was only trying to sniff it, but when he pulled his nose out it was terracotta, I had him up under the sink washing the paint off his nose and out of his mouth (although there was none in his mouth, hence my assumption he was sniffing) while my mu phoned the vets to see if we needed to take him in!

  13. Ducky sometimes vacuums for me but considering what she does afterward, is prefer she leave her sisters’ hair wherever it lands.

  14. The only other thing I can say is “be careful what you wish for”!

  15. It would be nice if my dog got a job. Then she could buy her own food :)

  16. They tell me that I should clean the filter on the washing machine as it’s always full of my hair!